Life's an Amoeba

Oh you glorious, glorious piece of life,
Messed up, shapeless
Forever flowing, locomotive.
You show me who I don't want to be
You tell me the story of my life:
Betrayed and shapeless
Bemused and real
You make me afraid of a past..
How curving and moving away from it,
Would help me get rid of it..

Oh you lovely, lovely piece of life,
You speak of love
Of emotion, beauty, comradeship
So loud, yet unclear
So stark, but indefinite
You speak of love
A love that knows no ends nor means
A love that's just a surviving treat..

Oh you beautiful, beautiful piece of life,
You make me look at you
Like I often look at my mind..
Chaotic and indecisive
Beautiful and kind
And when
Strings of depression and memories,
Of pain and gain,
And of lust and joy
Intermingle-
You confuse me, comfort me
Defy and deny..

Oh you crazy, crazy piece of life,
Above my life and above my mind,
Beyond love, lust and joy,
You look at me, like I'm staring right at the mirror
You are me, a paradoxical definition
Boundless, limitless and forever thirsty
In search of shape that can fit my imperfections completely:
All my curves and edges
You show me who I am-
An insignificant part of a prominent whole,
One of too many of a kind.
Oh you, you expose me-
My insecurities, my blemishes, my faults
My mistakes, my life
And you look me in the eye
Silently screaming, "You are ME."

Bounce off Silences

Trapped,locked out of heaven-
Green,blue,red,happy heaven and its faults
Its faults, miseries and undying will
Faith torn apart,life kicked out of me
Or so I thought

Silence dropped in through a leaking roof-

A roof called love-a layer now with too many holes

A roof called responses-silence was the loudest

A roof called family-or should I just say fake promises

A roof called secrets-of lies,darkness and sorrow, death?

Happiness is but a choice-

A choice of an ending or a new beginning

A choice of a relapse or a step forward

A choice of a memory-stark,bloodred

Or a broken,shattered past

So seal the roof-and grow wings to fly away

I was made to run,to float like a bubble-

A bubble of momentary zest,permanent happiness

To swim across my deepest fear

To glide above my darkest secret

Neither am I a cold-hearted lost voice

Nor your lust,passion,desire or a missing piece

I am not a silence,but a noise

A roar-the voice that won't shut down

A storm that won't settle

And for what it's worth-

I live to soar high,to go places

I don't belong to the cracked shed

Anymore

The IDEA of love

In a moment of pain and unbroken silence, I turned towards you. Through text messages and virtual meetings, I thought you'd complete me. Perfection had never meant something so stark and real ever before. My physical incapacity, my emotional scars, my weaknesses- they vanished, or rather were forced to get away because every time I thought of a 'Maybe' that existed, it lit up my world. The slightest idea of the comfort of your shoulder when I succumb to my weaknesses seemed like the end of chaos and the beginning of beauty, the end of weaknesses and the beginning of a future. 

But eventually, when I knew my weaknesses were hard-wired into my brains, when I realised that the true enemy can never be fought until you fight it yourself, I knew romance was not my answer to it. Love was never the answer, it has always been a question.

What if?
Or just uncertainty hanging down the like a creeper from the roof.

Maybe.

This is what kept me going for a long time. I had layered my emotional scars with moments of happiness sent through an electronic signal, from someone, perhaps, non-existent in my real world. And eventually I was addicted to the idea of the person, rather than the person himself. I never noticed how he moved his fingers when he waved at someone, neither did I notice how his lips broke into a painful smile when he said goodbye. I never noticed if his answers were the same as mine or not. I just always wanted him to be there for me, regardless of whether I was there for him or not. And I guess he never asked for too much. But the thing about crushes we develop over the internet or a text message or a phone call, is that, they are never here to stay. They give you an idea of what you want, but never will they ever let that imagination of yours take shape into reality.
And all of us know the beauty of observing water take shape of the glass container, which it is poured in. It's completeness, it's transparency, it's existence, it's presence.

I have never needed people, until recently. I have them, but I still don't find the right words to express how I feel. Of how one man changed my idea of men, of how one incident pressed into my heart forever long, will change my idea of happiness. I could never find the words, or rather, I don't want to.

These people I've let look inside of me, the ones I trusted, the ones I've given keys to happiness, were just ideas of people. They weren't actually there. Most of the people I've loved have also been ideas of a great person. But the only people I love right now are those I really know, are those I really feel, are those who are equally inadequate, who are scarred, who are deeply hurt, who have pasts that haunt them, who are as human as me and who need me as much as I need them.

All of us spend too much time contemplating our What Ifs and counting our Maybes, that when someone walks across us with eyes as dreamy as ours, they'd escape our attention, because never would we know, how to trust another person, how to judge truth in people's eyes, and how to tell phony from real.

But really, it is high time we learn. Time we know whom to lend our hearts out to. Time we know who can keep us safe and who cannot. Time we know that this IDEA of love is not really love, it's just an illusion. An illusion that keeps us going, some times. But it is not what we are looking forward to. It's not IT. It's a maybe, a possibility. But we need to run wild, throw our phones away for a while, just bump into a stranger and maybe for the first time, feel the magic in a kiss we have always longed for.

Let me run, don't hold me back