A dove flying away,again.

Their voice,like nails on a chalkboard 

A never ending slow song with repetitive chaos

The pain, the agitation, the fiery eyes glare at me

The foul mouth,the scowling faces aiming right where it hurts the most 

I look from face to face, for calmness and composure

From eyes to eyes, for love and sympathy

From lip to lip, for care and cheer

And I fall hard on my face, there is no celebration

There is no happiness, just frustrated minds

In foreign bodies, wanting to break away

From a silly bond called family

A family where not every letter stands for togetherness

A family where lies,screams,scars make memories

I can't sing tonight, the melodious old tunes

Of my heart which is thrilled to bits

The concrete pillars are too large to hug

I reach out to the wall,like it has invisible arms to caress me

Failed attempts drag me to a side,a place no one knows

I only weep, in the corner of this rich household

The warm blobs of tears flow into my pillow

The wetness of the soft cotton against my skin

Is soothing.. But I can't cry in peace

Because they won't let me be alone

Bound by the walls of hatred: closing in

With the harsh words echoing, calling me 'torture'

A home with only hostility,the worst place for joy

They are screaming,throwing things at each other

Breaking screens of expensive gadgets

They are also breaking hearts,do they know?

Hearts that can not be fixed,a heart which will fear forever.

A knife piercing right through my heart

A weakness,a sorrow,an unimaginable pain

The dancing shadows of peace escapes my side

As I find peace tonight,inside blankets not dry

2014, here I come.

The undying smooth taste of numerous pizzas
Melting on the tip of tongue, when I try to speak

Blush of playing Nora in my first drama ever
The lead role, holding a play together

Unfinished classics and relished romans
Whose covers bringing flashing memories instantly
Lie in corners of my room, undisturbed

Mushy diaries, gooey photo frames
Staring at me with lost childhood innocence

A wardrobe still filled with three-fourth pjs
Not making a difference to my shabby look

Memories too many to remember.. Too important to forget, I look back at the year and think my last thoughts. Why do we celebrate new years? Why birthdays? Why anything? Isn't life an eternal journey? There is no end, until your last breath. Why bid goodbyes? Life goes on, if you are strong enough, you will stay on too. I will still have pizzas this year, the memory of being Nora remains, the classics will still not be done, maybe because they are boring, or maybe because they are too real, the essence of living inside the covers of a story will be regained if I reach out to the book once more, my diaries will remain in the desk,untouched until the sudden rush of nostalgia, the wardrobe is never changing. Then what do I bid goodbye to? A year? With dates? I didn't understand, until now.

I turn to see 2013 as a year and it seems beautiful. A journey from January 1st to December 31st. Everyday had its ups and its downs. Moments where I felt hollow and the feeling of nothingness, emptiness, moments where words couldn't describe happiness,infinity,beauty,randomness,new people,grins,jokes,love. So much love. I am not bidding goodbye to these moments, I'm bidding adieu to the grin on seeing my friends surprise me on my 17th, to the warm hugs on favorite afternoon, to the random thoughts that I might never think of ever again, to the spray of magic. Magic that 2013 brought to me. Yes, 2014 will have the warm hugs,new surprises,and new thoughts, but surely not the same ones 2013 had. Right? And so I sing farewell,to the best and the worst of my life. Because memories last forever,there is no eraser to wipe it off. I'm glad they stay on. I'm glad I can still live with my memories.

So 2014, come in whichever colour you want, I will accept you. You're a year which will transform me,like 2013 did. Like every year does. No, you're not special, you never will be. No YEAR is. People are special, memories are special, books are special, movies are special, this journey is special, not the date, not the time, not the year. You 2014, yes you, keep coming and going, you fade away, but I'm forever. You'll just be phase,a time in history, like all the other years, but me? I'm beyond forever, because I will be remembered.

The Symphony of Love and Words.

Words. These tiny little things which start from less than two letters each, mean so much to me. The ones I utter a little less than a thousand times, some times a boring repetition, some times a giant lifeless speech, some times too little meaning too much and some times nothing at all. Just nothing. No words.

A space, on this couch. A distance between what is and what can be. This distance because of the lack of words, the lack of interesting things to say. Love surpassing words, the love of words crumbling. Where one half of me is defined by these words, this blog, and this space, where some people just know me because of these words, because of this part of me, there is another part of me. A silent one. A one that believes that glory lies after silence, that distances are too wide to be filled. A silence after a storm of emotions. Emotions: Love,love,love,hate,respect,anger,happiness,sorrow,heartlessness. A silence so chaotic that it is hard to escape. A silence killing a relationship,but holding it together. A silence being so contradictory to itself each time. A silence which followed too many words.

Words that created characters, words that destroyed a few, words that made me fall in love, words that enhance the freshness of a new found love, words that brought us together, words that were lived up to, words that I broke to pieces I can never put together, words that started to mean so much to me, words that left your side once we got old.

I am not giving up these words, for anything. For me words are love, love is but words. Words that I need to give more space to. They need my sunshine, they need my presence. Words of mine are destined for too much,much more than what I give them today.

Seashore.

Orange hued brisk rays of sun reflect off the crystal clear water surface
Butter smooth skin stroked, long artistic fingers intertwined
Sitting lovelorn at the quiet seashore, the humid wind tactile across my bare back
My face buried in his arms, lost somewhere in the warmth of his chest
Caressing me safely, like an oyster does to its diamond precious
He twiddles my curly black streaked tresses as I cuddle to see his hazel eyes
He hadn't let go of my sweaty palm yet, like this feeling was our last fondle
His lips smiled, the reassuring one again, that kills my selfish pain
I broke contact and looked at the palpable evening waves, the shimmering ripples
As he cupped my face with his hands, he whispered in an almost inaudible voice..
"However deep and far stretched the sea decides to go..
It will come back hitting the shore, because here's where it belongs.
We are like the sea and the shore, if you are the sea, I am your shore.
I will run along your longest stretch and never get tired. And if I am the sea,
you are my shore, my home, my love. I will come back to you,always.
Till death do us apart." Saying this, he kissed my worried forehead.
And together,maybe for the last time,we danced sundown
Too close,too loved. One,like we were always. One.

Forever and beyond.

For times we found hard to let go

For dreams too sugar-sweet to forget

For whispers in husky voices across a classroom

For suppressed excitement in velvet glittery eyes

For wide smiles we fail to capture

For sun-burnt cheeks reflecting the lovers' blush

For soaked eyes in times of fear

For suffocating hugs too warm with emotions

For broken promises and shattered bonds

For short naps in math classes

For dark insults now cliched

For arms protecting the other

For memories like chalk powder all over the floor

For lunches like ink stains sticking on forever

For sarcasm wrapped in every joke

For EVERYTHING that you guys have given me

For every moment we spent till its end

I fall short of words, because what you have given me are like rose petals that may fade away,dry up and fall apart,but if I hold them together, they'll be with me forever.Like all of you.

Mission Random Acts of Kindness

As random as this title might sound, it lead to an important revelation. At least for myself. When I was a child, I used to be the happiest in the family and everyone loved me because I spread happiness just by saying nice, true things about people or just because of the radiance that I spread through a sweet,innocent,eye-sparkling smile. And then I grew up, to shrink and hold bitterness in, to please myself more than I pleased others, and I always had someone to blame.

I was told yesterday that I wasn't sweet, I wasn't nice. That my smile held bitterness in it, and my words adorned sarcasm. Though I pretended to disagree with the fact that I was rude, I knew in heart of hearts, that I was blunt,arrogant,straight-forward and scornful. But I have always been open to criticism. Someone asked me to tell them about all the kind things I had done yesterday, and surprisingly I had nothing to tell them. Did this highlight the fact that I wasn't amiable and that I was very rude? That I wasn't kind to anybody in the last 24 hours?

Today, I went out of my way to be kind. My mother was sick and tired, she asked me to help her in the kitchen and I did. In fact, I helped like I did never before. I cut vegetables for her, I didn't let her run around the house to answer door bells or phone calls, I cleaned up the table, did my bed neatly to please my father when he came home. I played music for my mother, spoke to her for long because she told me she felt lonely, spoke to my hospitalized grandfather and reassured him a hundred times, that he will be back home soon. I was being polite, nice, sweet, kind. I did all of this and it felt good, but I always had this running at the back of my mind, that I had to complete my 5 random acts of kindness. It was like a mission in a video game, to go to the next level.

But then, to my own surprise, I was extra nice to my brother. He is someone I usually go beyond the possible to be rude to, to hurt, to depress. Like every second of my time spent with him, should count as revenge for my childhood. But today, I did not try to hurt him, I supported him, and this also felt good. It had indeed been a long time since I saw my brother as my actual brother. A brother to love, to relish childhood memories with, to speak to, to understand. I always blamed him for my bitterness, but I did not today. He had changed, he had become a better person. He, who I blamed all along, is now better than me. And this did not feel good.

And when I think of it now, it doesn't matter to me whether I complete this mission or not. I felt nice and I lost count of the good things I did today. Maybe it became a habit because I practiced it with all my heart, maybe I learnt something new today: to be kind. Or maybe I am nice everyday, I just don't keep a track of it. Maybe, just maybe, it comes to me naturally and at the back of my head, I am still my mother's token of happiness, I am still what my mother called me, "A lively, bubbly girl who spreads love and happiness wherever she goes." I have forgiven people for horrible mistakes, I have apologised if I was wrong, I have felt guilty and have punished myself too. Random acts of kindness are random, and so you don't need to count them, because they are in you, because we are human beings who sympathize, understand and love unconditionally.

I might have failed this mission, but I understood, that this wasn't a mission, this was a way to discover a side of me which I was unaware of, or rather forgot about.

Happiness in Disguise

Cold fingers of mine brush against the warm steel railing
I wonder why the steel railing is so hot, when the whether is pleasant
I look at an old lady coughing out bitterness as she is pulled down the slope in a wheelchair. Her wrinkled skin, the lost rosiness of her cheeks called for love, just a little love.
Standing still, giving her space, staring blankly ahead I reassure myself that I had to go ahead
The tired sloppy security guard checked my father as I walked inside hesitantly
Everything suddenly lost colour, all I could see was white with specks of random colours indicating life to my blurred eyes
Hastily I turn either side to observe an old woman shrinking and cradling herself in her own arms.. Her loved ones seem too busy settling bills and checks, ignoring her child-like need.
A young boy whose burning red eyes express his need for the plastic wrapped 2 centimetre tablets..
Breaking from this image and the insane spinning of my head, I hear my father call out my name
I run after him, thinking this will help me escape the pain, the vibes of craving needs which I can never fulfill.
Walking up the stairs, I see guards, patients, relatives, doctors, nurses, maids run past me.. Everyone seemed to be in a hurry while my life was freezing, coming to a halt, a pause where expressions are but blank and white. Just one colour. The colour of sorrow,pain,loneliness,need. White, just white. The funny thing about white is it is every other colour, but yet lifeless. I love white,but now I didn't. It connoted too much to handle.
As I walked down the empty hallway into a room, my grandfather lay there, grinning at my presence. My grandmother growing smaller providing space,but lifeless. Tired she was,of all the people. Of the single colour, I assumed. But suddenly, cheer spread in the room, as we sat down to talk. Happiness had seeped through the heavy cement walls,somehow. The place I grew to hate,became a home,because my family was here. Happiness had found its way back to me. It is like a weird relationship I have with Her,Happiness. She is looming around me in disguised forms, but I recognise her,always.
I bid my goodbyes,and take the lift this time. I don't look around, I just look ahead. I only saw the railing. The steel railing, and everything fell into place. The steel railing was hot, not because of the sorrow, not because of the danger, but because of the warmth. The warmth of humanity holding on to it. Because in hospitals,no matter how sad a place it is,love grows in leaps and bounds,and happiness will always find her way.

Papercuts.

Buttercup memories of yellow lit nights
Growing upon each of us magically
The wasted pain in every syllable of laughter
Wondrously vanishes as we drive through

The chilly air kissing our bare tanned skin
Reminiscing an afternoon of floating feather light
Affording to lose a little precious time
We stand interlacing thoughts apart wide
Closely we hold on, counting each breath
Because we know that after all
We aren't peas of the same pod
Love isn't found in a hopeless place
We are but paper cuts on each other
Meagre but painful and impressive
Colour changing but short-lived
No matter how long we stay together
We are different, each have anew way to go....

Shades of Happiness

Bold strokes of Winsor across the canvas, blended with a tinge of Zinc and dark hues of Sap for the shadows. This patch of Green making the bottom of the painting..

These colours intermingle, like Orange and Scarlet during an amiable sunset.

Cobalt and Flake White are dabbed into the cold, colourless background. The sky now looks cloudy as if it was soon gonna rain. The dabbing so magical that it looks real.

A streak of warmth is surprisingly added, as rays of the Cadmium Yellow sun are pulled down from the canvas' corner.

The lonesome, lifeless painting brightens up, like warm Red-Ochre afternoon sunlight breaking in through the window. A crawling, curious boy is painted, his Rosy cheeks and Hazel eyes perfectly done to reflect the Carrot Orange sunlight hitting his face. The fusion of Burnt Sienna and Yellow Ochre match his full sleeved shirt to his overgrown hair.

A slash of Iridescent White shaped into a goose with a Golden beak, the colour echoed by its webbed feet. Shades of Grey are let to grow into the White, giving the goose its healthy volume. The eyes are done, at last, with a spot of Ivory Black.

The painting glows, and the ambitious painter looks at it. It was done! A masterpiece! A few tints of different shades, and happiness is painted. Every colour has its implication, but a painting gives each one a new meaning every time it is used. Every hue is a shade of happiness, either now or later, embrace it, always.

Footprints I carry

Frivolous December mornings, a year back, recalled
Memory flashing bright, the time of holiday
Careless bright colours adorning shapeless bodies
Happiness like birthday balloons floating in air
A teenager, the snow on her red hushed faces
A cotton coat too slight for a snowy white morning
Numb fingers feel the icy cold walls and trembling fingers
Struggling to make the slightest movement of an inch
As she gently lay her fingers on the snowman
That her overexcited sister made
She started to feel the essence of the cold, its beauty
And she laid down on the snow as the sun broke in
Filling the silvery essence with bold hues of red..

Life is like this, As quickly as something grows onto you
Another breaks in, too tough to realise, too easy to like..